You dirty Borat!

He’s Central Asia’s most unwanted superstar and his blockbusterings movie film is coming to a screen near you. Rob Fitzpatrick talks pop, politics and potatoes with the Kazakhstani legend

Saturday October 28, 2006
The Guardian
Borat Sagdiyev is a 27-year-old Kazakh, ( edited by Zum: actually, Borat is really 37 years old!) journalist on a mission across America to find Pamela Anderson. So far, so not very hilarious. However, as even the tree people of Borneo now know, Borat is also the invention of Sacha Baron Cohen and is, therefore, about as offensive a character as it’s possible to be without actual physical harm being visited upon everyone he comes into contact with. In the knuckle-bitingly intense new film – Borat: Cultural Learnings Of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan – every single sensitive issue of our times – racism, misogyny, terrorism, needing a poo – gets its chance to shine. As you will see from our interview with Central Asia’s most unreconstructed superstar .

Hello Borat, if you could change one thing in your new film, what would it be?

“I would not change nothing about my movie film. It have already open in Kazakhstan, where it was a blockbusterings! It take top spot from Hollywood movie King Kong, which had been No 1 film in Kazakhstan ever since it was release in 1933.”

You have a very unique dancing style – when did you last go raving?

“I very much like dancings and popular music. Current ‘all the rages’ in Kazakh discotheque is the music by dancing negro(edited by zum: what a fuck to use this racist word!), Michael Jacksons. We like very much his new song Beat It. We have many major exports in my country – first is potassium, second is apples and third is small boys to Michael Jackson’s ranch. Why not? They like. Is niiice! Also very current very popular in Kazakhstan is singing transvestite Madonna. He really look like a womans! Only thing that give him away is his huge hands, and the bulge around his chram. My personal favourite is rock music band Queen – in particular the singer, Frederick Mercury. He is a ladies’ man. It great shame that he die in that car crash. Many peoples say I looks like him. In facts, last month I come seventh in Almaty’s annual ‘Who look most like Freddy Mercury’ competition. This out of over 843,000 entrant!”

We’ve been having a mass debate in Britain about Muslim women wearing veils – how do you approach this problem in Kazakhstan?

“Yes, like in Britain, most people is also very offended if women is not completely covered. There was recent a terrible incident when a Kazakh woman teacher exposed her face to some childrens and made them all cry. This will not be tolerate.”

Your moustache is impressive, but I saw that picture of you in your swimsuit and your genitals look just a little withered – is this common in your country?

“I has a very nice genitals – my chram medium length (fifth-long in my village) and fat-like tube Pringles. Howevers, my testes is only make dangle 14.6 cm – I wish this was more and is try to increase by suspend a car battery from them three hours per day.”

Are you over your gypsy attack yet?

“Gypsies not so much a problem at the moment – we is much more worried about assholes Uzbekistan, who as everyone knows is a very nosey people with a bone in the middle of their brains. Our fear is them gettings weapons of mass destructions. It rumoured that within 10 years they will have technology to build their own catapults.”

Your mother is an attractive woman. Would she like to join my friend’s special circus and perform with his donkeys?

“My mother too old for this, but maybe my friend Lily Utmarkan would be interest. She ex-Kazakh Olympic gymnast who currently perform in our state circus where, for her latest trick, she puts one foot in her ear while other in her vagine.”

Do you think a strong man like George Bush could sort out the problems of the Kazakh government?

“We in Kazakhstan admires very much George Walter Bush. He a very wise man and very strong – although perhaps not so strong as his father Barbara.”

Why was your brother Bilo chopped out of the film?

“My brother Bilo has a small head but very strong arms. He have 204 teeth (193 in mouth 11 in nose)! You can do anything to him – he do not remember nothing! He is a sex crazy … all day long he in his cage look on porno and rub rub rub!”

Which of all the sexual fruits of the barnyard do you find most alluring?

“I like very much the Kazakh fruit apples. They is like a green potato that taste similar to plov.”

Can you see any good that has come out of allowing women to vote?

“No. We say that to give a woman power is like to give monkeys guns – very dangerous! We do not do this anymore since the 2003 Almaty zoo massacre.”

What are the three best tracks on your iPod?

“I current listen to Beat It by Michael Jackson, Girls Just Want To Have Fuck by Cyndi Laupers and Candles In The Winds, which song about crushed princess by bald homosexual, Eltonjohn.”

· Borat: Cultural Learnings Of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation Of Kazakhstan is out Nov 3.